pillowthoughts

*trigger warning*

PILLOWTHOUGHTS

I lie and wait for the suspended twilight of my mind

to dawn into dusk

and rest.

My pillow’s company calms me,

its wet eyes dry mine

as I pray that my thoughts will think about

dying.

I long for long-promised sleep,

promising myself that tonight will be different,

tonight I will sleep.

Tea helps

but only as much as weed helps nicotine withdrawal

and I withdraw into the mines of my mind

again.

The ceiling lurches towards me,

overwhelming my seized eyes,

seizing my overwhelming

Cries

Into the night they ring

answered only by the sounds of heavy breathing.

Is it my breath?

Yawns snap out of breath

and swallow

lies that float around my star-spangled head.

I‘m too scared to dream.

What if my dreams come true?

What if the lies of my dream

are truly better than the truths of reality?

What if the bright light brings with it

clearer views of blurry visions?

And what if I don’t like what I see?

Maybe tomorrow will hold the fears of today and

grow the anxiety of

yesterday.

Yesteryear was a better year

as all things bitter were

dreamt away in clouds of wonder,

stormed away in thoughts, like thunder.

But maybe tomorrow will be better.

Maybe the morning’s songs will be filled with beauty

and its light with glory.

My pillowthoughts contrast my pillow’s thoughts

as my trusty friend curls up underneath my head

and rests.

by Regan Boden